Ok so a little update...
I knew when I came here it would be tough, and there would be moments when I would fall flat on my face... but I didn't expect it all at once and so close to the beginning. The last 3 weeks of my life have been one big giant trial. I am going to try and explain it so you can know where I'm at, but without too much detail cause I don't want to fixate on the bad because it only brings me down...
I started a new job which is super difficult, demanding, and hard on me. I'm working at a coffee shop but the environment there is... just bad. I've had a lot of anxiety and stress over this job (including 2 cold sores which I only get when I'm really stressed). Also, been learning french (in order to serve french customers) I actually don't know how to explain what it is like to learn a new language and feel so inadequate because I physically can't speak to people. Additionally, I started a paper route for my roommates parents (they went on holidays for 2 weeks). I wake up between 2-3 am in the morning to deliver 350 papers; which is by far one of the most difficult jobs I've ever done. It is so hard to function with no sleep and run around for hours in the middle of the night, while the world is sleeping, and actually care about delivering these papers. Everything that could go wrong has. The first day I had to work a double shifts delivering papers, and then 10 hours at the coffee shop. It has rained on us, one day we forgot the map at home, which cost us an hour extra driving back home to get it, I've tripped on people steps (causing loads of bruises), been clotheslined by fences (ok that was funny), almost broke my arm trying to get out of the car (don't ask)... and lost hours of precious sleep which cause all sorts of crazy moods... it has honestly brought out the worst in me. However, on a funny note, and it really is funny now. The first morning I woke at 1:30 am and about half way through the route I threw a paper through someones front door window (Yes this actually happens and not just in the movies) and I also had to pay for it so essentially I worked for FREE! (who says nothing in life is free? Those people got their paper delivered right into their home, as well as, a new front window!) I have learned to laugh about things because if you don't you would never make it through one of these days.
One more thing that has not been going so great (super unfortuately) is my relationship with God. I feel like God is distant and hard to find in Quebec. Even when I take time to spend with Him it is like I can't find Him, and the air between heaven and earth is just so much thicker. Plus I know that there is some sort of attack on me and my roommates cause all we want to do is make God happy but none of us seem to be doing well spiritually. We all realized this about 3 days ago, and have been deliberate to pray together and read our bibles, but it is still tough.
In every way possible I feel like I am loosing the Kayla I know and love. I've lost my language, sleep, personality, culture, environment, friends, and most of all the God I know and love. This is a major loss in my life, which I believe I need to grieve and morn, yet, I need to recognize that in the process there is a strange beauty to this situation. It hurts so much to loose something you love but I also KNOW that God has a lot to say about "she who looses her life will find it". I find my flesh crying out for familiar and longing to walk towards what I know and understand, but at the same time I know God is removing things from my life only so He can put something more like him and more beautiful in its place. So for now I just have to wait in that and hope this happens soon.
So guys I'm sorry that this may seem discouraging, and focused on me and the negative but I would be lying to myself and you guys to not share what I'm going through. I am desperate for your prayers, and support. And I hope to share something a little more cheerful with you guys soon! (I only have 2 days left of the paper route!!!)
Thursday, October 8, 2009
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
The First Moments in Montreal
Well folks I'm here!!!!
I can't believe it is actually happening and I am here. I got here Sunday night and have been doing oodles of things to get settled in my place... (in case it wasn't a known thing moving is a lot of work) But I feel so at peace deep inside.
I went for a run yesterday and was praying/ thinking while I ran all around my new hood. And I had this moment when I thought I am in this place somewhere between comfort and the reckless unknown. Its a beautiful place to be in! I recently read a book called "Punk Monk", and it is about how we need to be practicing a rhythm of breathing in and out; meaning just as much as we are breathing out (giving to others) we need to be breathing in (and filling our self up). And I feel like my life is falling into that rhythm naturally. As some moments are filled with difficult things (IE sitting in on a 2 hour meeting entirely in french and scrambling desperately to understand a word, let alone what they are talking about) while some moments are great, (IE cooking and eating dinner with my 2 AWESOME roommates and just enjoying food together.
There is one thing I've noticed and want to share with you guys because 1) it's good to confess and share with each other 2) and to challenge and encourage you guys 3) and so you can be praying for me...
... It is the struggle I've been having in being "with" God. For the last few weeks I decided to commit to spend an hour or 2 a day with God prayerfully about all "this", as well as just being with God so I could KNOW Him. It is a basic concept, I know, but we really need to be with God if we want to KNOW Him. To be honest it has been really hard to do this. There are so many other things that get priorety in my life, especially in such a busy time of life with moving and such. Anyway, it is a struggle to keep my relationship with God at a place where I am WITH WITH Him, but we just need it to be there. It is especially difficult to not become legalistic about it. I don't ever want my relationship with God to become a chore, or obligation. Now, to some this may sound like I'm trying to be a super christian, or to some it may sound like I suck at being a christian (not sure how you guys may take this) but I just know God is God (think about that for a second, and what it really means that He is God. We know, for the most part that God is an super, awesome, wonderful, creator of everything!!) And the "Godness" of God should be enough to transform our lives into beautifully, awesome, and God loving things. It only takes a simple glimps of Him to transform our lives, and I guess God has been doing that in me. I don't want to forget, but I do...
This is why I write... so you guys can know where I'm at, so you can pray for me, and to challenge you to go and KNOW God more today then ever before!
"Be still and know that I am God" (Psalm 46:10)
or as it is beautifully put in The Message,
"Step out of the traffic! Take a long, loving look at me, your High God."
I can't believe it is actually happening and I am here. I got here Sunday night and have been doing oodles of things to get settled in my place... (in case it wasn't a known thing moving is a lot of work) But I feel so at peace deep inside.
I went for a run yesterday and was praying/ thinking while I ran all around my new hood. And I had this moment when I thought I am in this place somewhere between comfort and the reckless unknown. Its a beautiful place to be in! I recently read a book called "Punk Monk", and it is about how we need to be practicing a rhythm of breathing in and out; meaning just as much as we are breathing out (giving to others) we need to be breathing in (and filling our self up). And I feel like my life is falling into that rhythm naturally. As some moments are filled with difficult things (IE sitting in on a 2 hour meeting entirely in french and scrambling desperately to understand a word, let alone what they are talking about) while some moments are great, (IE cooking and eating dinner with my 2 AWESOME roommates and just enjoying food together.
There is one thing I've noticed and want to share with you guys because 1) it's good to confess and share with each other 2) and to challenge and encourage you guys 3) and so you can be praying for me...
... It is the struggle I've been having in being "with" God. For the last few weeks I decided to commit to spend an hour or 2 a day with God prayerfully about all "this", as well as just being with God so I could KNOW Him. It is a basic concept, I know, but we really need to be with God if we want to KNOW Him. To be honest it has been really hard to do this. There are so many other things that get priorety in my life, especially in such a busy time of life with moving and such. Anyway, it is a struggle to keep my relationship with God at a place where I am WITH WITH Him, but we just need it to be there. It is especially difficult to not become legalistic about it. I don't ever want my relationship with God to become a chore, or obligation. Now, to some this may sound like I'm trying to be a super christian, or to some it may sound like I suck at being a christian (not sure how you guys may take this) but I just know God is God (think about that for a second, and what it really means that He is God. We know, for the most part that God is an super, awesome, wonderful, creator of everything!!) And the "Godness" of God should be enough to transform our lives into beautifully, awesome, and God loving things. It only takes a simple glimps of Him to transform our lives, and I guess God has been doing that in me. I don't want to forget, but I do...
This is why I write... so you guys can know where I'm at, so you can pray for me, and to challenge you to go and KNOW God more today then ever before!
"Be still and know that I am God" (Psalm 46:10)
or as it is beautifully put in The Message,
"Step out of the traffic! Take a long, loving look at me, your High God."
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
The Night Before Montreal... When All Through The House
Here I sit in my makeshift room for the night, reflecting on the past two years of my life spent in North Bay, and what God is about to take me through in moving to Montreal. You see I had to be out of my apartment by today, but I'm not leaving till tomorrow. So I'm a little lost in transition, but it is good because it is giving me time to reflect.
God has been on the move in my life. Last Summer He took me to Calgary, which I thought was just about making good money. However, it was there that I fell in love with God in a new/deeper/passionate way. Last Fall, when I returned home I felt a little scared that the passion would die, but it didn't. God took me through a beautifully intense LAST year at Nipissing. This year I pursued the arts with a deeper intensity and really found the rare beauty of creativity. Also, this year I found friendships that physically hurt my heart to leave. I experienced community, love, and God through these people. And lastly, through school I was exposed to the relentless ideology of my social welfare courses, which have forever ruined the way I see the world. (In a good way). All this and more has shaped this year into one of my greatest, but not because of these things alone. If it were up to great experience or happy moments the point would be lost. The greatness lies in the fact that I know God today more than I ever have before, and I wouldn't trade that for anything. Him and I are close, and Montreal is just simply a responce to the RELATIONSHIP I have with Him.
So here I go, please pray for me. I really need it!
God has been on the move in my life. Last Summer He took me to Calgary, which I thought was just about making good money. However, it was there that I fell in love with God in a new/deeper/passionate way. Last Fall, when I returned home I felt a little scared that the passion would die, but it didn't. God took me through a beautifully intense LAST year at Nipissing. This year I pursued the arts with a deeper intensity and really found the rare beauty of creativity. Also, this year I found friendships that physically hurt my heart to leave. I experienced community, love, and God through these people. And lastly, through school I was exposed to the relentless ideology of my social welfare courses, which have forever ruined the way I see the world. (In a good way). All this and more has shaped this year into one of my greatest, but not because of these things alone. If it were up to great experience or happy moments the point would be lost. The greatness lies in the fact that I know God today more than I ever have before, and I wouldn't trade that for anything. Him and I are close, and Montreal is just simply a responce to the RELATIONSHIP I have with Him.
So here I go, please pray for me. I really need it!
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
The Journey to Prayer...
So I've been wondering where to start and really the best solution I have come up with is to share my journey (thus far) on prayer.... since after all that's what I'm going to Montreal to do.
So here's a bit of an overview on my last 10 years...
I can remember as far back as the late 90's, when I started my first ever prayer journal. I've always been a big journaler, but I remember a distinct season where my journal consisted entirely of prayers. I was dependant upon it. Another memory I have would be in 2001, went I to Summit Bible College. It was there that I became a member of my first ever prayer group. There were 6 girls, who got together everyday after supper to pray together. This group was a significant group/marker in my life, as I remember getting together with these girls to share my heart and pray. There were people in the group I wouldn't normally hang around with but we were so close we felt lost when a day would go by that we couldn't meet with each other. Then I remember going to Brazil in 2003. While I was there I remember thinking one day near the beginning of my trip, "I didn't realize no one would speak English here, and I'm so staved to talk with someone" but it was there that I learned that God can become our conscience, and what I mean by that is after a while my thoughts became prayers. I got to a point where I couldn't really separate my thoughts from a prayer. God was my friend, and we just hung out together all day. Two weeks into this trip someone came from Canada I think they almost died of talking overload. I talked for an entire afternoon straight! But it was weird the more I had people to talk to, after a while, I just wanted to find space alone so I could be with God in my thoughts. Then, last summer, while I was in Calgary, I worked a place that was a 45 min walk from my house. The walk seemed long at the beginning, but soon my walks became prayer walks, and soon I got to a place where I was wishing the walks were longer. I would get to work everyday in tears, just so in love with God. Then last September I remember being in a place of brokenness, I remember being at the end of Kayla, and feeling so lost for answers in life. I journalled a lot, but every time I did I found there were more and more question with no answers to those questions. It was there that I declared myself in a "season of prayer", because there was nothing else I could do. God reduced me to this point, and at the time I thought it sucked, but I realise now that He was doing something. At Thanksgiving I met up with my friend Daria (whom you will hear a lot about in this blog so remember that name) and I told her about my "season" and she said she was in that same place. So we decided to pray together on the phone. With honest efforts, we have been doing this since (although when she's on the road its more difficult) little did I know that God was doing all this for a bigger purpose. Daria is one of the girls I prayed with daily at summit, and now for the last year holding each other up in prayer, and now I am moving to Montreal to live with her and start this prayer community. Funny how God works!
God has sewed prayer into my life through certain events and seasons, and he is continuing to do so. Prayer isn't the answer to all of life's problems, but God is! Prayer is the gift we have been given to commune with God, to join his rhythms, and to see his face.
So here's a bit of an overview on my last 10 years...
I can remember as far back as the late 90's, when I started my first ever prayer journal. I've always been a big journaler, but I remember a distinct season where my journal consisted entirely of prayers. I was dependant upon it. Another memory I have would be in 2001, went I to Summit Bible College. It was there that I became a member of my first ever prayer group. There were 6 girls, who got together everyday after supper to pray together. This group was a significant group/marker in my life, as I remember getting together with these girls to share my heart and pray. There were people in the group I wouldn't normally hang around with but we were so close we felt lost when a day would go by that we couldn't meet with each other. Then I remember going to Brazil in 2003. While I was there I remember thinking one day near the beginning of my trip, "I didn't realize no one would speak English here, and I'm so staved to talk with someone" but it was there that I learned that God can become our conscience, and what I mean by that is after a while my thoughts became prayers. I got to a point where I couldn't really separate my thoughts from a prayer. God was my friend, and we just hung out together all day. Two weeks into this trip someone came from Canada I think they almost died of talking overload. I talked for an entire afternoon straight! But it was weird the more I had people to talk to, after a while, I just wanted to find space alone so I could be with God in my thoughts. Then, last summer, while I was in Calgary, I worked a place that was a 45 min walk from my house. The walk seemed long at the beginning, but soon my walks became prayer walks, and soon I got to a place where I was wishing the walks were longer. I would get to work everyday in tears, just so in love with God. Then last September I remember being in a place of brokenness, I remember being at the end of Kayla, and feeling so lost for answers in life. I journalled a lot, but every time I did I found there were more and more question with no answers to those questions. It was there that I declared myself in a "season of prayer", because there was nothing else I could do. God reduced me to this point, and at the time I thought it sucked, but I realise now that He was doing something. At Thanksgiving I met up with my friend Daria (whom you will hear a lot about in this blog so remember that name) and I told her about my "season" and she said she was in that same place. So we decided to pray together on the phone. With honest efforts, we have been doing this since (although when she's on the road its more difficult) little did I know that God was doing all this for a bigger purpose. Daria is one of the girls I prayed with daily at summit, and now for the last year holding each other up in prayer, and now I am moving to Montreal to live with her and start this prayer community. Funny how God works!
God has sewed prayer into my life through certain events and seasons, and he is continuing to do so. Prayer isn't the answer to all of life's problems, but God is! Prayer is the gift we have been given to commune with God, to join his rhythms, and to see his face.
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
The First Blog!
Well, here I go with an attempt at becoming a blogger...
I have had it in my mind for a while now to create a space where I can get out in words who I am, where I'm going, to express my heart, share my adventures, as well as my failures. And blogging just seemed to be the best way of going about this. So...
I'm planning to move to Montreal in the fall to pursue a bit of a dream of mine, with my friend Daria. The dream (in a broad picture) is to develop a community/family of people, to love, and pray together. I have no idea what is going to happen, how its gonna look, what my dreams really are, or what God is going to do with this. And this is why I've resorted to writing it down, so people (if they are interested) can follow this crazy idea, and see what comes out of it, as well as, join me in it. I just got back from a GREAT missions trip in Montreal, and I'm getting really excited to go, but there is a lot that needs to be worked out, and prayed over. So please, if you think of it, pray for me, I would really love it. And there is more to come!!!
Peace,
K
I have had it in my mind for a while now to create a space where I can get out in words who I am, where I'm going, to express my heart, share my adventures, as well as my failures. And blogging just seemed to be the best way of going about this. So...
I'm planning to move to Montreal in the fall to pursue a bit of a dream of mine, with my friend Daria. The dream (in a broad picture) is to develop a community/family of people, to love, and pray together. I have no idea what is going to happen, how its gonna look, what my dreams really are, or what God is going to do with this. And this is why I've resorted to writing it down, so people (if they are interested) can follow this crazy idea, and see what comes out of it, as well as, join me in it. I just got back from a GREAT missions trip in Montreal, and I'm getting really excited to go, but there is a lot that needs to be worked out, and prayed over. So please, if you think of it, pray for me, I would really love it. And there is more to come!!!
Peace,
K
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